Leaving Juba

JUBA, SUDAN - 1980
This was a heat not made for mortals.

Anco and Paolo wavered where they stood and lemming sweat leapt off them into the atmosphere. For Paolo, this felt like the end. Malaria had ignited a second inferno within him, and everything down to his bones was singeing into tissue-thin carbon. But at last he was leaving Juba.

The airport was little more than a box built around a few desks, and the hordes of sweaty commuters clambering over one another transformed it into a battery farm. Only one plane a day was scheduled to land in Juba – bound for Khartoum – and weeks had passed since the last one hit the tarmac. Without any money to pay for petrol, Sudan Air had effectively forsaken the people of Juba, no matter what their purpose or place.

A radio announcement from Khartoum had signalled the arrival of a plane that day. Hordes crashed upon the airport in the hope of a seat.

The flight plan was a haphazard itinerary. From Juba, it would fly to Nairobi in Kenya, at which point it would fly back to Juba. There were no landing lights at Juba airport, so if the plane did not arrive by 6pm when the sun set it would simply carry on to Khartoum. Passengers bound for Khartoum faced the gamble of either buying an extra ticket to Nairobi or waiting in the hope that Sudan Air’s pilots were more efficient than its accountants.

Paolo’s burning state left no room for chance, so he and Anco bought the extra ticket; a relatively cheap fee for the wallets of UN contractors. This fact did not escape the attention of the customs official – a brick wall draped in military garb, with a firearm but no shoes.

“You are Italian, yes?”

Anco and Paolo nodded.

“Then you should be heading north to Khartoum, not Nairobi – why have you each bought two tickets?”

Anco and Paolo explained that they were not gambling men.

“Fucking capitalists, you don’t care if you waste a cent. Get out of here and stop ruining this country.”

The official stamped their passports and gruffly ushered them through to the plane.

ITHACA, GREECE – 2008
Paolo calls them UFOs – useless floating objects. These giant motor yachts tear through the water, haemorrhaging expensive diesel at the rate of ten euros a minute. Their passengers lounge either on deck or below, but never behind the controls, as they prefer to hire crew in the usual white shorts and shirt uniform. For Paolo, who enjoys the challenge and sustainability of sailing, there does not seem to be any purpose to owning a motor boat at all.

“These people do not care about anything except looking like they have money to spend, and the money goes nowhere, nothing, out into the water. When the oil is gone, what will they have? A useless thing sitting in an expensive marina, and I will still be out sailing.”

We could already see the effects of rising fuel costs and recession out here in the Ionian islands. Two years earlier, the harbour side cafes had swarmed with tourists from dawn to dawn, but now there was only a few buzzing about.

This did not really trouble us too much, but on the other hand it could prove costly to Ithaca. Without much in the way of agriculture, Ithaca’s major income is drawn from its sharing a name with the fabled homeland of Homer’s Odysseus. Myths have calcified in the scant ruins and caves on the island, which locals mine using adventure-seekers and dreamy students in place of picks and shovels.

In exchange, the tourists carve Ithaca’s main port of Vathi, shaping it into carbon copy restaurants touting Italian and British food, while kitsch Greek restaurants are exiled a kilometre beyond the town.

NAIROBI, KENYA – 1980
“Yes, an Italian flight will leave here three days from now, but if I were you, I’d stay onboard and fly back to Khartoum. There is a flight to Italy early tomorrow morning.”

Anco and Paolo thanked the friendly pilot and returned to their seats. Outside, Nairobi fluttered green and welcoming. Still, taut muscles wracked Paolo’s body and the necessity for a quick return outweighed Kenyan comforts.

Soon the plane leapt back into the sky, arcing north towards Sudan and, eventually, Rome. Anco and Paolo drifted off into a relaxed sleep.

THE INLAND SEA, GREECE – 2008
Mornings are peaceful in this part of the world, especially for sailors, as there is no wind until after lunchtime.

The Inland Sea is that part of the Ionian lapping between the western islands and the mainland. Compared to the naked waves of the open sea, the Inland is a gentle place that holds numerous interesting anchorages.

The island of Atokos rises steeply from the water, eliminating any chance of flat land except for the scant square metres that support the island’s only house. Sailors drop anchor in this “One House Bay” to swim in the warm, invisible waters during the day.

A more comfortable swim can be found in the south-eastern, unnamed bay of Oxia. This island is similar to Atokos, in that it has been pinched up into steep, narrow ridges, but it has recently seen the development of fish farms within its protected waters. We dropped anchor beside one of these; a short distance away were a couple of shacks made from old caravans perched nervously above the water to provide shelter for the farm’s custodians.

To guarantee stability in Oxia’s waters, a long line must be swum to shore and attached to a rock. Simone and I used this to propel ourselves across the water, using a free hand to keep our shoes dry. Once ashore we clambered up fossilised rocks and ascended the steep, pine coated land in an ape-like manner. Our senses were so taxed in an effort to avoid loose handholds that we did not notice the creamy coating of goat poo mixing with the sweat of our hands.

Returning from the top required a different tactic. Making sure that my bottom avoided planting itself in spiky bushes, I used my feet and hands as skis and ploughed down through pine needles and rocks in a controlled fall. Along the way, Simone’s inner botanist caught sight of wild sage, which she collected and stored in the pantry of her bra.

JUBA, SUDAN – 1980
“All passengers must disembark this flight for customs control.”

It was the third time that this announcement had come across the speaker, but Anco and Paolo were still in their seats. The plane had just made it to Juba in time, landing at 5:55pm. At first, customs had allowed those passengers continuing to Khartoum to remain onboard. But now, something had changed.

“You two’d better get off, otherwise we’ll never be able to leave here,” said the friendly pilot.

The same shoeless customs official stood blocking their entry into the airport. Duty had apparently erased his memory, as he didn’t seem to recognise either of the Italians. With a nonchalant flick, he opened their passports and looked over the Arabic departure stamp he’d planted himself hours earlier.

“Your visas have expired,” he said, stone-faced, “give me your passports and wait here.”

Paolo had had enough. For days he’d been trying to escape Juba, to return to Italy and the promise of malaria-free health, and he was not going to let a disgruntled soldier ruin his plans.

He told the official this.

“Say one more word, and I’ll put you in jail,” replied the guard.

MESSOLONGI, GREECE – 2008
Though he didn’t know it, Lord Byron came to Messolongi to die.

We came to pick up Paolo’s wife, Daniela.

A university town, Messolongi is situated on the north side of the Gulf of Patras and was the first place I’d seen completely devoid of foreign tourism. The harbour is part of the Klisova Lagoon, the largest natural wetland in Greece, and entry from the sea was only achieved by motoring down a thin channel surrounded by treacherous shallows.

Small shacks sit on either side of the channel, and from afar they look as if they’re floating on the water. Passing them gives you the sense of being onboard a patrol boat in the Mekong Delta, with the occasional palm tree conspiring towards this illusion. Children use old, wooden piers to jump into the murky waters, and a trio of teenage girls in bikinis waved at us and posed suggestively before vanishing into the brine.

Walking through the dusty streets of Messolongi’s outskirts was like some bizarre shift into rural Australia. Gumtrees are common here, and the close ties between Greece and Australia have resulted in similar housing styles. People of all ages rode on bicycles or motorcycles, and at night crowds of locals bloomed out of the darkness.

In the morning, Simone ran down into the cabin to yell that a turtle was swimming around in the lagoon. We all climbed onto shore, and chased around, trying to catch a glimpse. However, the turtle was wily and would only peak out of the water every few minutes, using the submerged intervals to swim across to the opposite side of the harbour. This meant that we constantly ran back and forth, our cameras limp in our hands, catching nothing but ripples.

A local fisherman saw our plight and told us that there were two turtles who regularly visited the lagoon each morning. The reason for their continued patronage was the fisherman, who cleaned out his nets here, chucking tiny fish and crabs back into the water. Sure enough, the turtles were hovering around his boat, rising up like ancient mummies to groan oxygen before diving down to swallow a dead fish.
“Some mornings they’ll be so happy that they come up to the boat and we talk,” the fisherman said.

JUBA, SUDAN – 1980
That morning Anco and Paolo eavesdropped on radio chatter from Khartoum. A dignitary had died in the capital and a military aircraft was arriving in Juba that day to pick up his family. If Sudan Air wasn’t going to help them, maybe the army would – the two had certainly used military transport in the past.

Arriving just as the plane landed, Anco and Paolo boarded in order to speak to the captain. He was not around, but they struck up a conversation with the first mate.

“We are engineers, contractors working for the UN’s Food and Agricultural Organisation. He is very sick with malaria and we need to get to Khartoum to fly to Rome, please, can we fly with you?”

The first mate nodded and wrote their names down on a clipboard in Arabic.

“This will be fine. You can load your luggage, but you’ll have to wait before you can board.”

While Anco and Paolo waited, a small crowd gathered around the plane and each petitioner added their name to the clipboard.

When it finally came time for the plane to leave, the tarmac was hidden beneath a few hundred pairs of feet. The captain, cut from the same cloth as the customs official, stood at the door and barked out a list of names. Paolo’s fevered heart quivered when he realised that, despite having been first on the list, neither his nor Anco’s names had been called; the captain was reading from the bottom of the list.

“Enough!” the captain yelled, and moved to close the door.

“No!” Anco and Paolo screamed, “our bags are onboard, we were here first, you must let us on!”

“Enough!” was the harsh reply, and the captain slammed the door shut.

Like a sad puppy, the crowd slowly walked away from the plane, back towards the terminal. Paolo, who was lagging due to his weakened condition, turned around and saw the strangest sight. The plane door was open again. Now was his chance!

“Anco, quick!” Paolo called out, and ran up the stairs.

He had safely made it onto the plane, but Anco, who had been with the crowd ahead, was now running in a rushing wave of Sudanese commuters. The lot washed up the stairs, and Paolo clung to the doorframe, doing his best to push people away so that Anco could climb onboard.

Anco was only a few steps away from the door, when Paolo felt a tap on his shoulder. There, bristling with anger, was the captain. His fist hung in the air between him and Paolo for a fierce second, before it swung down and struck the Italian straight in his solar plexus.

Broken, Paolo fell backwards into the confused clutter of people and the door shut once again. There was nothing more to be done than watch as the plane, along with Anco and Paolo’s luggage, made its way back to Khartoum.

NAVAGIO, GREECE – 2008
“It’s funny, isn’t it – this is the most photographed place in Greece and we’re having trouble trying to recognise it.”

Dad sat in the cockpit of Felicite, musing as we passed the north-western shore of Zakynthos, one of the Ionian islands. In Antiquity, when the Olympian gods overthrew the Titans, these giants must have fallen here, their outstretched hands gouging mammoth furrows in the side of the island in an attempt to grab the land they were about to lose forever.

We were looking for Navagio, the famous Shipwreck Beach that has graced pamphlets and coffee table books all over the world. Here, sometime last century, a cargo vessel washed ashore, disembowelled and abandoned to rust. It could not have chosen a more picturesque grave, surrounded on all sides by steep, multi-coloured cliffs and turquoise waters.

After almost an hour of searching, we found our target, reclining like a Roman senator. Yet, there was concern on the deck.

“There are no tourists here,” Daniela said, “normally this place is filled with boats.”

It seemed that the ever-spreading murk of recession and credit crunch had struck even these crystal waters, though it hadn’t done a thing about cleaning the water – sparkling, transparent waters are beautiful, but they also reveal years of tourist abuse. Simone, Daniela and I swam to shore alongside cigarette butts and other, nondescript forms of jetsam.

The wreck itself was alluring, but not spectacular, and I was more interested in reading the scribbles of a thousand languages across its rotting hull. Mostly these were lovers strengthening their vows with graffiti.

We hauled anchor once everyone was back onboard, leaving Navagio and its ageing hype behind.

JUBA, SUDAN – 1980
In his effort to make a point about how much capitalists are willing to spend, the customs official had left Anco and Paolo to stew for a day, before returning their passports and granting a new visa. For a small fee, of course.

The time that this wasted, however, was far costlier, and Paolo now wondered if the only way he’d be able to return to Rome was in a coffin. It was a plausible danger; Anco and Paolo had earlier befriended a group of five British students when they’d first arrived. Two of them were now dead, swept into a grave by malaria.

All of this would never have happened if it weren’t for the simple fact that Captain Abdeen, FAO’s chartered pilot, hadn’t been busy on a mission in South Africa.

Friendly and accommodating, Abdeen treated his small plane as if he were giving lifts to his buddies. Quite often he’d let Paolo come up to the cockpit and plug in a Pink Floyd tape, or he’d swerve through the sky to give passengers a view of something interesting down below.

Thus, like a true deus ex machina, when Paolo was on the verge of a cooked demise, Abdeen and his plane flew down out of the heavens to whisk Anco and Paolo safely back to Khartoum. Along the way he made sure to switch course, just enough so that the two Italians caught a good view of the angry customs official shaking his fist at the fleeing capitalists from Juba’s tarmac. Someone plugged Dark Side of the Moon into the tape deck, and everyone cheered, reclining like true heroes as they flew off into the sunset.

Captain Abdeen would die when his plane crashed two years later.

Life at 45 Degrees

Dinner that night was farfalle pasta, mixed with tomatoes, fresh mozzarella and some herbs, served alongside crusty bread and a white wine from Frascati. Paolo, Simone and myself sat around the table, while a fourth place was unused – Dad had been impossible to rouse earlier.

Once we’d finished eating, I cleared the plates away, only to hear a yelp from Simone as the wine bottle launched itself across the table and into the wall.

At that precise moment the dinner table, along with us, the kitchen and pretty much everything else in our immediate presence, was tilting at a 45° angle.

Before now my experience with sailing has been limited to pleasant day trips, not week-long journeys across open, international waters. You could say that I was receiving a crash course in long-distance sailing, except that I’d not like your choice of the word “crash”.

Sailing is both a cruel and rewarding sport. Those who know what they’re doing will come across as masters, controlling wind and water with a nonchalant flick of the wrist. On the other hand, if you don’t know what you’re meant to be doing, you just appear drunk.

While Paolo and Dad skilfully trim the gib and winch sheets in high winds, Simone and I have extreme difficulty in our attempts to stand up from the table and pour a glass of water.

When the conditions are especially rough, I just lie in a cabin beside some bags and hope that I do a much better job as a piece of luggage. To date it has been my most successful role onboard.

However, the kitchen has become an arena where we test our sea legs against increasingly difficult culinary challenges. The overall champion is Simone, who reached a dizzying peak when she baked a loaf of bread while also forming a triangle with the kitchen bench and floor.

Beyond the cabin lie other challenges that bear a greater degree of danger than simply cracking an egg on your chest.

Our journey began in the port of Civitavecchia, just outside of Rome, and from there we used friendly winds to run the length of western Italy towards Sicily. Here we would need to pass between the Messina Strait, a narrow stretch of water that lies between Sicily and the toe of Italy.

Through the Strait lay the Ionian and its promise of three days with nothing but sea and sky. However, our earlier good luck was swept away by dark weather in the Tyrrhenian Sea, and the smack of angry waves threatened to turn Fèlicité into a piñata. The only sane choice was to pull into the Aeolian Islands and find shelter in the harbour of Lipari.

Lodged between active and extinct volcanoes, Lipari is the world’s largest source of pumice – a large proportion of which frosted the skies in a choking cloud as we sailed around its mines. Not being in the mood for having my lungs buffed, I took shelter below decks.

Once beyond the veil of shards, we drew up into Lipari’s crowded harbour. The congestion was made up of hobby sailors, wealthy cruisers and commercial boats of various sizes and finding safe anchorage was difficult. Our first anchor spot was challenged by a tanker delivering water to the island, so we had to move (or face the wrath of thousands of thirsty Italians), but not before I’d had a chance to swim in a healthy slick of diesel.

We remained at anchor for the next day, waiting for the weather to politely adjust itself on both sides of the Messina Strait. Also, we needed to wait for the slim window when the current worked in our favour: if we did not enter the Strait at around midnight, our sails would not have the strength to pull us through.

But first, so as to simulate our own delay before reaching the Strait, I feel the need to change the subject.

It is easy to understand why the ocean plays such a prominent role in human culture. There is a liquid presence beneath my feet that seeps up to take over my every waking moment. The ocean is always reminding us of its dominance by juggling Fèlicité around, like a cat with string. Thus a vessel, which while moored may appear impressive, is reduced to a bundle of twigs held together by fibreglass. As far as the ocean is concerned we and the boat are always just sinking very slowly.

When alone on watch during the day, I gaze out into the waves and see them transform into rolling lengths of blue and white yarn, wrapping and warping amongst one another for as far as the horizon allows. Leviathan clouds made their own passage across the sky, moving in such a way that I can almost hear their own form of whale chorus, while the water below remains empty. Rarely, the plump wash and slap of the ocean is broken by the sudden appearance of life – most of the time a ray or jellyfish – as if the sea itself is winking at us.

Earlier on the day we were forced to pull into Lipari, Dad and I spotted some dolphins leaping out of the water. Under Dad’s instructions I crawled up to Fèlicité’s bow and hung over the edge, camera ready. As predicted, one dolphin took a liking to our boat, and swam right up to play at the bow beside me. It corkscrewed agilely through the froth, turning to look at me, and at several points leapt out of the water to form a muscular horseshoe before it shuttled back into the deep.

Nights at sea are altogether different, with the lack of sun making me feel even smaller in the expanse of a black and silver dreamscape. Without trees or buildings to defeat it, the moon dominates a section of the sky, and its gunmetal glow gives the impression that we are floating in an immense, walled tank. Yet, when the stars come out they defy the moon, and the dazzling swirl I experience when looking up at them resets the unbound nature of the sea.

As you can imagine, the nocturnal sea holds its share of tortured souls. In the waters near Calabria, you can hear the cracking voice of a man who desperately seeks another by the name of “Maaaaaaaaaario”. His frequent pleas have become pop-culture in these parts, and his antics extend to playing Arabic music and whistling over the airwaves. There is also another, creepier voice: a falsetto that offers illicit pleasures to anyone who is willing to “remember the monkey”.

And so, on the borders of midnight, we arrived at the western mouth of the Messina Strait.

The Strait is a busy boulevard, a lifeline pumping people and industry between Sicily and the mainland. Its narrow entrance is flanked on either side by whirlpools, including the famous Scylla and Charybdis. According to Greek legends, these two monsters sat on either side of the Strait, devouring ships that came to close; it was often the case that avoiding one monster led a ship straight into the maws of the other. Maybe it is for this reason that sailing through the Strait is not recommended.

Whoops.

The best way to describe entering the Strait at night is to imagine a computer game. Stretched across the dark is a strip of casino-grade lighting: white, gold, orange, green and red, all twinkling and blurring in the salt-spray. Though the strip appears unbroken, this is only an optical illusion, and the narrow opening into the Strait slowly reveals itself as a blankness pushing out through a curtain of light. This is your target, but there are still challenges to overcome.

Whilst avoiding the deadly whirlpools, your vessel needs to stay clear of ships; ferries and tankers regularly zip across these waters, and they have no concern for a silly little boat that may get in their way. Unfortunately, at night the only way you can determine a ship is by three tiny lights, which may shine out sharply in empty oceans, but are completely swallowed up by the visual cacophony of a city.

We did have one helpful tool at our disposal though, a computer screen that showed the location of ships, as well as their trajectories. Thus, entering the strait required a team effort of reading the screen, and then determining which of the million lights belonged to the tanker. Depending on their angle of movement, a ship may appear to be still until, too late, it detaches from the crowd and slides like a ghost into your path.

Fèlicité glided between the two towers that mark the entrance of the Strait, and into liquid steel waters. Immediately, cannon ports fired silent ships at us from either side and their dark shadows loomed to intercept us. Simone held the computer tablet tight and called out their location whenever her eyes decoded their camouflaged presence. We pushed on, deeper into the channel, but our passage was not as quick as we’d hoped; for some reason the tidal flow was not in our favour, despite our correct timing.

We had no choice but to continue forward, crawling through the sluggish waters. More and more lights crowded our sides. One sneaky ferry slipped clear through our defences, and Paolo quickly pulled Fèlicité around to let the fiend pass across our bow.

And then, as soon as it’d begun, the ordeal was over. The Strait widened on either side, as if it was some monster drawing back to rest, and the naval traffic dribbled to a close.

We were through and out into the Ionian Sea.

It would be two more days before we saw land again.

Tent Shun in Ireland

It was inevitable that I'd see something burn before the weekend was over.

But first -- a quick history lesson (and a flawed one at that, because I don't have much time to write).

July 12th is an important date in Northern Ireland (as well as some places in the Republic of Ireland, but this is quite rare) and, at least on paper, appears to be a counter-balance for the green, Guiness fury of March 17th. Towns and cities sprout Union Jacks and the Ulster Flag overnight, while papers and radiowaves are jammed with concerns about public decency, sectarian tensions and whether certain marching routes should be opened up to men in bowler hats and orange sashes.

The reason for this is that July 12th - known as "Orange Day" - commemorates the defeat of James II (a Catholic king) by the Protestant king, William of Orange, at the Battle of the Boyne in 1690. And it wasn't just poor James who was cracked on the noggin; this event is credited with establishing the United Kingdom as a Protestant dominion forever more. The organisation that oversees the July 12th celebrations each year, called the Orange Order, is a protestant fraternity named in honour of William's victory.

In short, July 12th is an instant divide between Catholic and Protestant, a hand-on-nose waving "nyah nyah" to those who prefer the colour green.

But that's just one part of it. In light of 20th century Irish political history (formation of the Free State, the Troubles, etc -- sorry, I'm not really here to teach you anything), July 12th has also become an occasion for the Orange Order and its sympathisers to demonstrate that Northern Ireland is still a part of the United Kingdom: completely separate from the Republic of Ireland to the south.

To the outside world, you'd think that Northern Ireland settled its differences with the Good Friday agreement back in 1998. For the most part, the world would be correct, but humans are a stubborn species and we tend to hold onto grudges and consider our differences as a reason for violence. Nowadays most people are talking about the recession and credit crunch, but there are still memories of the past scattered about, waiting like dry kindling for the spark of a divisive political demonstration.

I definitely recommend that you take a tour around Belfast's murals, as this is a visual demonstration of how politically saturated parts of the city still are. Both sides, Protestant and Catholic, have their painted shrines, depicting heroes and martyrs, and it really is breath-taking to see the entire walls of houses covered in symbols and faces. Some of these murals are frozen in time -- their historical and social importance is too great for them to be replaced -- while others are constantly being covered up with new messages.

A recent trend, in an effort to move Belfast away from sectarian violence, is to replace images of masked men holding guns with other cultural icons, such as characters from Celtic legend (though even they are politicised, such as Cúchulainn who I saw depicted as the defender of Protestant Ulster).

But, aside from the murals, you will also see the Peace Line that still stands between the hardcore Catholic and Protestant parts of the city. Unlike Berlin, this wall never came down and its gates are still locked at night, completely sealing off flashpoints where the two sides neighbour one another.

I was brought to one of these spots -- on the Protestant side -- to see the massive towers of wood and tyre being built for their transformation into a bonfire on July 11th, the night before the march of the Orangemen. Such constructs are dotted all over Northern Ireland, and are usually built in circular formations, as if they were forts. Some are also decorated with politically aggressive symbols, such as the Irish tricolour and effigies dressed up as gaelic sportsmen. They are, despite their violent connotations, impressive sights to behold.

All of this build-up was preparing me for what I thought would be a turbulent weekend in Belfast.

But it wasn't to be.

Instead of witnessing city roads melted by rubber firestorms, I was whisked away to Co. Kildare for Oxegen, a four-day music festival. Mary, one of my companions from the camino, happened to have a spare ticket and tentspace with my name on it.

Though I've been camping at festivals in the past, I've never seen anything to the degree of Oxegen. 80,000 people, mostly Irish, were crammed into fields without any concern for the trippy netting of guylines that formed around them. Madness was further guaranteed by the sight of campers trawling in slab after slab of cheap beer.

By the second day I felt like I was in a warzone, or a refugee camp: guard towers stood in vigil over a landscape of haphazard tents, organised around tribal craters of beer cans and ruined camp chairs. Like the growth of mould, it worsened over time and tents were destroyed by the drunken stumblings of thousands; each morning revealed forlorn souls picking through trash heaps to dig out clothing for the day ahead.

My own tent was ruined on the Friday night. Mary and I returned from having seen the Kings of Leon to find its crippled frame sticking out at odd angles, and a gaping hole ripped all the way through its once-water proof side. Luckily, we managed to patch this up by cannibalising a nearby tent, left derelict from the previous night by one of our rowdy neighbours. The tent remained like this, slung up like a war veteran, for the rest of the festival.

Sleep was something people spoke about in hushed whispers, occasionally with a nostalgic tear in their eye. Each day you'd drag yourself out of your tent and hope that the toilets had been pumped clean and restocked with toilet paper (they had, but it was hours ago, and the paper had already been stolen by someone who needed something to throw at the finale of their favourite band's set later that night). With the lack of showers, toothbrushes became the only vital cleaning device -- everything else was a luxury.

Once the morning ordeal was out of the way, you'd stumble into the festival, and it was here that every gripe instantly became redundant.

There are too many highlights to mention, but I'd definitely tip my hat at being able to see the Pogues in a tent filled with thousands of drunk Irish folk. Shane MacGowan commanded the crowd with his drunken drawl and, though no-one understood a word he mumbled, they cheered him on all the same.

For some, the festival was not about the music however, and I returned on the Saturday night to find a wasteland of trash where quite a lot of tents had stood earlier in the day. It turns out that my neighbours, who never slept and did nothing by drink and fight, had wiped out some other campers, who had consequently summoned the police to evict the louts. Though they managed to plead their case and stay on site, they didn't cause as much of a ruckus after that.

Which brings me to the inevitability of a bonfire for me this weekend.

The festival finished on Sunday night, and the majority of the camp decided that they couldn't sleep, instead dedicating themselves to finishing all of that beer (so they wouldn't have to carry it back to the car in the morning). As luck would have it, one of our party left for home early, so he volunteered his tent as a upgrade from our previous, semi-detached wonder. We were finally able to pretend to sleep without the tent touching our heads, though any actual sleep was laughed away by the constant, noisy threat of having a drunkard step on your face as they tripped on a nearby guyline.

By 6am I decided that I couldn't wait any longer, so decided to brave the morning chill to march to through the new bog that surrounded the toilets. A light drizzle had misted the campsite up, and I could still see revellers huddling together in pockets, sharing stories of the weekend that had been.

And that was when I saw that my old tent was on fire.

Burning nylon is a beautiful sight. The plastic continues to spark as it melts away, giving the impression of watching fireworks reflected in a rippling pool. Unfortunately, it also billows toxic smoke into the atmosphere, and hot nylon is a little too effective at removing layers of flesh if you let it get onto your skin.

Though most of our stuff had been moved into the new tent, Mary still had some bits and pieces lying around (fool that she was, trusting in the decency of humans), so she stamped the blaze out in her gumboots. For the most part, we'd caught the fire early enough, because some of her stuff was still salvagable.

Her toothbrush, alas, was not.

It turns out that this is an actual tradition at Oxegen, with many people prefering to set fire to their tents, rather than pack them up. In an effort to stop this, the festival organisers suggested that remaining tents be donated to charity, but given the number of security guards I saw running around with extinguishers, this gesture didn't quite get off the ground.

Seeing the Dead

Yes, a lot of people danced around Stonehenge to celebrate the summer solstice here in Europe, and yes, back in Australia there were probably naked bodies writhing by the light of a pagan pyre because the day was just too darn short. But, believe it or not, I think I experienced something weirder on June 21st.

After receiving directions from a man with a ponytail for a beard, I boarded a bus filled with people. No-one knew where we were headed, so I wondered if the majority of the passengers were actually just seeking shelter from the rain.

Oh yes, it was raining that night – quite heavily, actually, and you should remember this fact because it plays an important part later on.

Evidently, someone onboard knew where we were headed, because the bus pulled up a short while later in the most random of places: a desolate field of rubble and asphalt, punctuated by some ruined administration buildings and industrial lighting rigs.

A man in blue gumboots led us through this wasteland, the wet crunch of glass and rock underfoot, towards two rows of wooden benches. People continued to chat once we were seated, while others scanned the emptiness before us, trying to detect the slightest human presence.

Someone saw the man first and fell silent, then two others shut up, and soon more beyond that, until everyone stopped talking, as if a vacuum seal had progressively closed above us. The man, now centre of everyone’s attention, trudged mutely across the ruined ground, eventually stopping about fifty metres away from us. He sat down in a puddle.

Another man appeared, this time from the opposite end of the vacant lot, marched with purpose towards another point – this time almost 500 metres away – before collapsing to the ground. He did not move again.

With painful slowness, more figures arrived in the wasteland, and as if we weren’t there, carried out strange, menial tasks.

In complete silence.

Then they started killing each other.

An hour later, a naked woman – the last person that we could see – buried herself under rubble. And then it was over.

Now, paste atop that scenario an overzealous serving of rain and freezing wind, while remembering that we sat still and patiently throughout. Obviously, you can’t celebrate the longest day of the year in any other fashion.

What we’d just witnessed was a performance by a Dutch theatre group called Companie Dakar, and it was part of the Cork Midsummer Festival. For the record, it wasn’t enjoyable to watch, but it was of a good quality, by which I mean that the performers were committed, and that they were well-lit and the space added to the vibe perfectly. But, then again, people with university degrees can be very forgiving when it comes to the label “art”, so I’ll shut up now.

To completely transform the vibe, Andrea and I spent the next day in the warm, dry Spiegeltent, drinking beer from over-sized glasses while watching local artists perform. The first performer was a really dull, “soulful” singer/songwriter, but the next two acts definitely made up for it – especially Mr Ian Witty and the Exchange, who sang into telephones while playing violins and cellos (yes, I’m a sucker for gimmicks). I can’t remember the name of the other group, but their lead singer wore a cowboy hat (note my previous parentheses).

I actually had the chance to ask Ian, via a friend of his on a mobile, whether he was saying “prettiest dress” or “pretty-arse dress” in one of his songs. Ian’s a gentleman; it was the former.

Now, I’ve lost my Little Book of Segues, so I’m just going to detonate a hole in this stream of logic and say that Andrea and I drove a hired car between Cork and Galway. By which I mean, Andrea drove, because the car was a manual, and while I know my way around them, I seem to think that swearing and stalling (not in that particular order) are integral to the entire endeavour.

Anyway, our story takes up again just outside of Galway, in the beachside town of Salthill. The last time I was in Galway, I’d befriended Gabriella, a Brazilian-Italian girl who was moving to set up a new life here in Ireland. Since we’d parted ways, she’d found a house and now lived with her sister and parents. Andrea and I were happily put up for the weekend on a blow-up mattress that had been bought especially for the occasion – the entire family gathered around to witness its virgin inflation with the mood of guests at a christening.

Though Gabriella’s entire family were wonderful hosts, special mention must be given to her father, Salata.

If Belgian comic illustrators were allowed to create human life, Salata would be the golden child of their first generation. Short, pot-bellied, but with meaty arms that swung wildly as he talked, Salata commanded attention, whether he was standing or making a wooden stool look incredibly comfortable. He wore thick glasses that gave him cartoon eyes, and his moustache was more like an Amazonian bird that nested eternally upon his upper lip. Also, the way his head seemed to roll back into his body gave the overall impression of a man who was always relaxed.

And yet, he was never still.

Salata loved telling stories, and he couldn’t just tell stories with his mouth, he had to dance about, pointing at invisible actors and directing the rest of us in re-enactments. Often he’d point to me and say, “Now, you’re me, ok, and I’m the dentist”.

In fact, he loved telling stories so much that he refused to let his lack of English get in the way of a good yarn. This wasn’t too bad when Gabriella was in the house, as she could act as translator – though, sometimes she didn’t agree with her father, and would chastise him in Portuguese. He always responded to this in the same way: he’d turn to us, point at her and say, “No, no, no, she es stupido!”

When Gabriella wasn’t around, however, we all played a game of charades, trying to guess what the other person meant. Unfortunately Salata’s choice of story was such that simple ideas, like table and milk, weren’t enough – try working out “metaphysical” from random gestures and clues such as, “not here, but for here, yes?”

The reason for Salata’s need for complex language came from the topic of conversation. Before he’d moved to Italy, Salata had worked as a police officer in Rio de Janeiro, though he’d also made a foray into politics (it failed – “it’s stupid, people speak for you they love you, but only if you give them beer, and that’s why they do…I don’t have enough for that”). However, behind all of this was a 40-year involvement with the Brazilian spiritual practice of umbanda.

So, for the benefit of Andrea and me, Salata danced around his kitchen for hours, flinging his arms around, re-creating the world of Rio; a place inhabited by corrupt cops, drug dealers, demons and…

“I went to the dentist, yes, and I sat while he worked, but he speak for me (note: Salata would say this instead of “he said to me”) that I must wait one moment. He walk to the corner, and talk to a man, but the man was not there, no, but I could see him, and the dentist, he come back, and he speak for me, this may sound mad…but I stop him, because I saw and I know, and falle (Salata uses the Portuguese word for “I said”):

Yes, yes, I saw – now tell me what John Lennon told you!”