The Tale of Red Rory and Tim the Caterpillar Wrestler

Take a moment to think of poor Rory.

A Cork boy, Rory is cursed with ginger locks and an occasionally beetroot complexion, not to mention an accent that is sometimes completely indecipherable by even Irish standards. He studies computer science at the Cork Institute of Technology. And a few days ago, he finally worked up the courage to ask that pretty German waitress out for a "friendly night out".

Flash forward to last night, and poor Rory finds himself front row centre at the most bizarre comedy night in the history of stand-up. While Christina, the German, crosses her arms, Rory is put on the spot to explain what his sexual relationship is with the girl at his table (she emphatically said "No" when asked if she was going out with him).

But this isn't the end of it. His interrogator is Tim, a mash-up of David Brent with Bill Bailey's sense of style, and the host of the night's festivities. The deep red of Rory's face might have something to do with, aside from witnessing all of his long-rehearsed romantic scenarios collapse into dust, the fact that Tim is sitting on a giant caterpillar.

It's surrounded by a "semicircle of enchantment" made from crystals and cacti.

The place was called "Utopianation", and it is a fantastic bubble of life just to the south of Cork's centre. By day it's an alternative cafe and winebar, but it hides many a talent beneath its organic skirts. Last Saturday they held a burlesque barn dance party, and while I sat at the bar making little television sets (for an upcoming comedy karaoke night), a pole-dancing class was taking place out the back.

How I'd come here was through the wonders of couch surfing. Kait and Markus, a beautiful couple from the US and Germany respectively, agreed to host me despite their massive workloads. Kait is one of the managers at Utopianation and definitely a creative asset, as she is now currently planning to convert the surrounding apartments into an eco hostel. Fingers crossed, it'll be up and running by the summer time.

But, back to poor Red Rory and his faltering attempts to woo Christina. After barely surviving the inquisition from Tim (where Rory was encouraged to throw a shiela on the bbq when he visits Australia), he was then forced to sit through the agonising account of one of my most embarrasing and, obviously sacred, sexual encounters.

You see, part of the reason why Kait and Markus were so happy to have me stay with them, was that I'd mentioned that I was trying my hand at storytelling. After telling them a tale on my first night, I was encouraged to come along to Utopianation and perform alongside proper comedians.

Be funny...hmmm...unfortunately I was yet to learn of any funny stories from the annals of human folklore, so I needed to delve into darker, more personal archives.

I won't tell the story here, though some of you may already know it. Let's just say it involves me attempting to talk dirty. The audience seemed to really enjoy it, though I could see that doe-eyed expression slapped straight across Rory's face.

It said, "Kill me now, please, because I'm not going to get a root tonight".

Christina, on the other hand, was looking at her phone. Perhaps it was Hans, with the simple, yet powerful phrase of "figg mich".

Whatever their fate, Rory's crimson features and Christina's bemused, germanic face, escaped into the night at the end of the show, and I wish both of them the best of luck.

As for me, today is my final full day in Ireland. The last few weeks have just flown by, with such an amazing cast of people, Irish and otherwise. Tomorrow will be very exciting, and slightly terrifying, given that it's my first time alone in a non-English speaking country. Let's hope things don't go too pear-shaped...